Self Confidence (or lack thereof)

Fair warning: it's about to get real real.

Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, all I feel is an overwhelming sense of loathing for my body. My body that kept me alive and healthy for 22 years without even so much as a broken bone. The body that carried a child for 9 months, birthed it, then provided and continues to provide comfort for him. How could I ever resent that? As much as I hate the term "mom bod", it's just what it is. Plain and simple. Of course me being me, I turn it into something that can be joked about in person but I feel like I am just riddled with insecurities. So much so that it feels crippling at times. I'll try on outfit after outfit and end up with a stack of hangers and a pile of clothes I just feel like throwing away. I'll hold on to my love handles and notice flaw after flaw.. after flaw.

This probably doesn't make sense because I literally vlog myself every month. That doesn't change the fact that every time I record myself I wonder if people are going to make fun of my voice and laugh in their heads, or say ew to my eyebrows (I don't know how to pluck them or draw them in - is that what it's even called? lol), or cringe at my big nose and crooked teeth. I have an ongoing conflicting love/hate relationship with Instagram because of how painful it can be to see women who are so confident in themselves enough to post even the simplest of selfies. To be completely transparent here, there is some sort of green tricking through my blood every time I scroll through my feed. How do they look like that? What did they do? If they can, what's my excuse for looking the way that I do? If confidence is beautiful, what does that make me? Further into the cave I go.

I know, I know. This sounds like such a trivial thing to get wrapped up in and you may be reading this thinking to yourself, "it's not that hard to be ok with yourself" or "where do you expect to get with all of this?" But you know what? It's 100% okay because this is my reality and I'm not alone on this.. All I know is this road is a bumpy one for me.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. 

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